Things Left Unsaid
by aphpenmark
Summary: Berwald had things to say. But he didn't dare say them. Not until they were all asleep, and he spoke them softly to himself. Maybe he didn't need them to hear, but he needed to say them. And so the sun rose and fell, just like any day. Words said and words not said came and went, and all forgot. As if it wasn't important to start with. (TW- death) AU- SuFin/DenNor/HongIce


Sometimes, in Sweden, the air was still. The room was quiet, and voices were soft. Whispers in the middle of the night, as children slept and parents listened for boys still up in the other room, waiting for a window into their lives. But at Berwald's house, they were left alone. Out in the loft, they drank and they screamed, and they cried sometimes, but none could remember who or why when morning came. Mathias guessed it was Berwald. He knew he was sensitive.  
"I just love you all so much. I couldn't ask for... For better friends!"  
It was Mathias himself though, most of the time. They were happy tears, and for that, they were thankful.  
"And you guys... You're happy, right? This is good. Life is good."  
And it was, essentially.  
"I wish I could ask Emil too... I wonder if he's lonely, all alone!"  
He was too young to drink, and Lukas wouldn't let him even if he wasn't. Berwald thought maybe it wasn't just because he was overprotective (he was), but because he didn't want anyone else around to take Mathias' attention. He never really got an answer, but... He could just tell. He didn't say a word on it though. He didn't dare.  
"Why do you wonder if he's lonely? What about me? What if I'm lonely?"  
It was a well kept secret that when Lukas is drunk, he's emotional. He's clingy. You can't tell he is unless you really know him though. Fortunately for this lot, they did. They knew him better than anyone.  
"That's a dumb question! I'm always with you, so you can't be lonely."  
Berwald smiled as Mathias pulled Lukas to his side, and Tino let out a laugh.  
"They're so sweet! I wish I had someone to be so romantic with me..."  
Berwald contemplated what to say. He wished he knew the right words to let Tino know he wanted to. But he never did, so he shrugged. Life was hard like that sometimes. You can't always say just what you want to.  
"I still am though, that's the thing..."  
No one heard Lukas say it. Like Berwald had always thought, some things just aren't meant to be heard.  
The night passed on in silence after that, the boys passing out one by one.  
Berwald had things to say. He had more than he could count. But he didn't. Not until they were all asleep, and he spoke them softly to himself. Maybe he didn't need them to hear, but he needed to say them.  
And so the sun rose and fell, just like any day. Words said and words not said came and went, and all forgot. As if it wasn't important to start with.

* * *

"Berwald, honey, why don't you go take a walk? It'll be good for you."  
And so he did. He always did what was asked of him. Maybe it was a problem, but he thought of it as more of a habit. Adults liked to tell him what was good for him a lot. He started to just... trust them. There was nothing else he could do.  
He walked exactly four blocks before he found Mathias sitting up in a tree outside his house, his usual smile absent from it's normal resting place.  
"What are y' doing up there, Mathias?"  
He shrugged, not really turning to Berwald as he spoke. As if he didn't even see him.  
"Just thinking... While you're here though, I have a question. Do you think if I fell from here, I would die?"  
"Why would y' want t' know that?"  
He didn't understand why someone would choose to dwell on death. The topic always felt distant from him. He couldn't bring himself to discuss it himself.  
"I'm just curious, is all."  
And with that, he was back down, and retreating into his house. That was the first day Berwald saw Mathias broken. He hoped it would be the last.

* * *

"What's wrong, Lukas?"  
Mathias typed to him like he always did that morning. But the answers were harsh and angry, and he wasn't used to it.  
"You wouldn't understand."  
"I want to."  
"Go find something tall. A building. A tree. And stand on the edge. Realize how easy it is to fall to your death. Realize how little control you have. Feel gravity pushing against you, and tell me- how does it feel? That's how I feel every god damned minute of my life."  
"Hold on."  
And so he went to his tree. When he got back, and he could say was "I'm sorry".  
"You're an idiot, Mathias."  
"I'm still sorry."

* * *

Tino seemed to be on his own track of life. Separate from the others, and unaware of the world. Like he was seeting things through compltely different eyes. Sometimes Berwald would catch him staring at the ground, and when asked what he was looking at, Tino would just smile and whisper back- "I'm looking for a way out".  
He was his own person, and Berwald was entraced by the person he was.  
One morning, (on yet another walf of his), he sees him jumping through the park, splashing in pools of freshly fallen rain. He's light, and Berwald wonders for a moment if maybe he's flying.  
To be so free that even gravity can't hold him down. Nature could not contain all that Tino was.  
After a moment of watching, Berwald leaves in silence.  
He can't help but stop in the middle of the sidewalk, and bow and offer a hand. Tino's dance was contagious, and he wanted to feel the freedom like he did. He wanted to be in his place. To understand.  
But when his hand went out, another grabbed it, and Tino smiled up at him.  
"I saw you walking. May I have this dance?"  
His voice is soft but strong. It sinks into Berwald's mind and into his chest and it's like a stabbing pain is just sinking into his being. And that's what it's like to fall in love, he thinks, and he whispers yes.  
"This is the third time I've seen you smile, Berwald."  
He says, like he's been keeping track. Like maybe each smile is something special, and worthy of noting.  
Berwald's heart swells, and he wonders if this is the first time he's ever grinned.

* * *

On the final day of peace, things fall apart.  
Mathias is in his tree, shouting to the heavens that they should let him fall. Screaming that he deserves it.  
Tino is gone, as he has been all week. Practice, again. But he promised Berwald he would see him this Friday for sure. They'd see each other just like they always do.  
Emil is in his bedroom, with a secret someone else. Lukas caught him and Leon the week before, and now he's back. Emil is supposted to be grounded. Forbiden from seeing him ever again. But Leon whispers, and Emil is daring, so they do.  
Emil says it's only fair, since Lukas has been going behind his back seeing Mathias. When Emil tells him that, Lukas calls Mathias and screams. He tells him he's ripping him apart. Mathias doesn't say a word. He lets him go.  
Berwald was home alone. Sanding one of his projects. He was making small dolls of each of his friends. He wanted to give them to them on Monday. He was just finishing Tino when it happened. No one was home. There was screaming and crying, but no one knows because no one was there.  
When his mother gets home, it's too late, and he's dead and gone.  
Peter gets home and breaks things. He throws the dolls his big brother made him against the wall, and shouts that the world hates him. He goes back and picks up each wooden piece and holds it tight to his chest, like maybe it'll bring Berwald back. As if loving him enough could.  
And no one notices until the next morning, when Berwald is gone and the school is quiet, and Berwald's parents call each of his friends to speak to them. No one believes it. Tino looks at the ground and asks Berwald if he found a way out. No one answers.

* * *

At his funeral, it feels like all of Sweden is silent, except for the whispers of those who have lost.  
Mathias remarks that the smile resting on Berwald's lips looks unnatural. He can't bring himself to say anything else.  
Emil stays silent, and tucks a small flower into his pocket. He leaves the group with a whisper to him.  
"You are far too sweet, Berwald..."  
He wishes he had told them. They all do.  
Lukas just sits and stares before whispering repeated apologies between sobs. No one knew why, and no one wanted to know. Some things are just not meant to be said.  
Tino tried to speak, but he couldn't. He took a letter written to him and tucked it beneath his hands. To read later, he thought, and he sincerly hoped he would.

* * *

After a year, the pain is still sharp, and Tino wonders if that's what it feels like to lose your love.  
He finds a carving. A simple "I love you too", and he thinks it's a sign.  
Emil asked how he could believe such crap, and he answers that he just needed something to believe in.

* * *

As another year passes, Lukas takes his fall.  
Mathias won't leave his tree for days. He says when he's up there, he can feel him. He can talk to him.  
Tino's mother cries, and tells him he's just talking to air.  
Mathias tells her she doesn't understand.  
And she doesn't. No one really does.  
He lets himself fall from the tree after a few days. He hits the ground hard, and he can hear "you're an idiot" over and over again in his head until it sounds foreign and wrong. He isn't dead, but he wants to feel how Lukas did. He wants to understand.  
He still doesn't. He never really does.


End file.
